Am I dead?

My brother in-law phoned me this morning because last night he had a dream about me, it wasn’t good and now he is concerned. In the dream he phoned Carol and asked for me. She replied that I was dead. And now he is phoning to find out what’s going on. I didn’t know what to tell him. Was I dead is the question. Was I dead literary, dead to Carol or dead spiritually. I feel dead inside and I don’t know what my future will hold. I am finally at the cross-roads which I saw in the distance over a year ago when my life crumbled around me. Holding onto the pieces of my life which I felt was the Christian thing to do, I literary inched to the place where I feel dead to the world. Can I still stand tall with decisions that I feel have to be made? Can I still stand with God, knowing that this will hurt Him? Or do I turn my back and walk away. A number of friends say that I must think about Carol and Matthew but does this mean I must stay miserable just to give them myself to them. I am just being selfish to think about myself for a change? I actually don’t know if I should be writing this down, maybe one day when I write my memoirs.

Annus Horribilis

It has been a long time since I was posting regularly on this blog. Last year was my annus horribilis, the year when my life became unravelled. I won't mention the circumstances of my falling apart to protect others around me. But I found myself in the early hours of Monday morning 12 July 2009 at the top of an open lift shaft with nothing left to live for. With everything around me shattered, I felt so alone. The only thing that stopped me crossing over was the thought of my son without a dad or even worse somebody else.

I felt like God had deserted me and I was all alone. But God sent some good Christian friends over just to comfort me and help me see the wood from the trees. I had to learn to stand against all that was coming up against me. But the real lesson I learnt was that God had not left me as I felt He had. He was always with me. I was so deep in grief that I could not feel His presence but He was holding me up all the time through it. My friends that God surrounded me with opened my eyes to see that my circumstances was passing through God's hands first. All I could do was put my head on God's lap and cry. I had to start on a journey to learn to love again, unconditionally.

It has been a long journey since then and it is still a long way to go but God is walking every step with me along the way. My annus horribilis is behind me, glory of God is ahead. Thank you to all my friends who encouraged me alone the way. It was the comments in my post "Good people don't go to Heaven, forgiven people do." that made me think about writing again.

God will turn the horrible year into something that brings Him glory. AsAaron Shust's song goes:

To God Alone

Can You take me by the hand
Can You use me as I am
Break me into who You want me to be

When the time is finally right
Will You open up my eyes
Show me everything You want me to see

This life is not my own

To God alone be the glory
To God alone be the praise
Everything I say and do
Let it be all for You
The glory is Yours alone
Yours alone

Take the offering I bring
You want more than what I sing
Can I give You every part of me

Turn these pennies into gold
Take this life I call my own
Until I'm running after Your heart

I'm needing to let go

To God alone be the glory
To God alone be the praise
Everything I say and do
Let it be all for You
The glory is Yours alone

We will rise, and we will fall
But You remain after all
You're glorious and beautiful
You're beautiful

To God alone be the glory
To God alone be the praise
Everything I say and do
Let it be all for You
The glory is Yours alone
The glory is Yours alone
Yours alone
Yours alone

Smith Wigglesworth's challenge

“Live ready. If you have to get ready when the opportunity comes your way, you’ll be too late. Opportunity doesn’t wait, not even while you pray. You must not have to get ready, you must live ready at all times. Be filled with the Spirit; that is, be soaked with the Spirit. Be so soaked that every thread in the fabric of your life will have received the requisite rule of the Spirit – then when you are misused and squeezed to the wall, all that will ooze out of you will be the nature of Christ.”