07 October 2010

Am I dead?

My brother in-law phoned me this morning because last night he had a dream about me, it wasn’t good and now he is concerned. In the dream he phoned Carol and asked for me. She replied that I was dead. And now he is phoning to find out what’s going on. I didn’t know what to tell him. Was I dead is the question. Was I dead literary, dead to Carol or dead spiritually. I feel dead inside and I don’t know what my future will hold. I am finally at the cross-roads which I saw in the distance over a year ago when my life crumbled around me. Holding onto the pieces of my life which I felt was the Christian thing to do, I literary inched to the place where I feel dead to the world. Can I still stand tall with decisions that I feel have to be made? Can I still stand with God, knowing that this will hurt Him? Or do I turn my back and walk away. A number of friends say that I must think about Carol and Matthew but does this mean I must stay miserable just to give them myself to them. I am just being selfish to think about myself for a change? I actually don’t know if I should be writing this down, maybe one day when I write my memoirs.