26 March 2011

Running on Empty

I have surrounded myself with many friends yet I feel so alone. This has been a hard time for me. In the past I could reach out and hold God's hand but now I feel even He has left the room.

A friend sent me a letter this week in where she wrote:
"...I will always remember that you were the first one welcoming me with a big teddy bear hug when I first came to BBC. It meant a lot to me. Back then you struck me as fully trusting the Lord day in, day out and as the last person who would turn his back to our Lord..."

I am holding my hand out for Him to take me by the hand but it seems that I am all alone. I have felt so alone only twice in my life before. Alone, so alone. The first time was when hidden suppressed memories of atrocities committed against me as a child came flooding back when I heard that my brother was been searched by the police for questioning for the same type of crimes. Alone, so alone. And the last time was when I found out my spouse's plan to leave me for someone else. I found myself staring down a lift shaft all alone. The only thing that stopped me that night was the thought of letting my son down and him being raised by the other man.

Both times I eventually found solace in God's arms and my friends that surrounded me. Now I have reached empty but still find myself hurtling downwards out of control. As in the past, I've reached out for God's hand but this time it is not there. He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me so I know, yes I know that He is still here with me but now is the time that I need Him to take me by my outreaching hand.

Yet why do I still feel so alone?