Last Supper

As Carol is packing up her stuff, it came to me that it is not how good and bad, or how right and wrong are so far apart but how mangled together they are. Yes there was the affair that happened two years ago which I thought I had forgiven but I now realise that unforgiveness is like building your own prison. Slowly at first and before you realise it, there is strong thick wall around you. For my own protection I cried out but I found God on the outside and I in.

After doing an Alpha marriage course last year, I came to realise that I didn't feel like I supposed to have felt. From a lack of feelings I said that I didn't love Carol anymore but I still wanted the family together as a whole. Not to be broken as I feared for my son's future. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I just wanted the security. No, there was no-one else in my life as some have asked. I just didn't feel like a married person is supposed to feel. I felt so alone.

I could not give a time limit on my feelings as Carol demanded. It was not something that I could simply read in a book. One counselor said that love was just a feeling, that it comes and goes. I answered that I don't feel love at all but I liked Carol as a person and still wanted to be married. Sadly that was not good enough for them. They wanted all or nothing. Come to think about it, I suppose it wasn't fair expecting Carol to accept it. So I was pushed out to the cottage on our property.

Living in the cottage still didn't change me 180 degrees as I felt everyone was praying for. The problem was still there. I still didn't love my wife as a husband supposed to. I started getting very depressed. Blaming myself. To help me cope and survive, I started surrounding myself with many friends who kept me busy. This of course widened the gap between the main house and cottage. Interesting thought crossed my mind was that when we moved here, the cottage wasn't a big draw card for us but now that I am living in it, I am starting to realise that maybe God is in control after all.

I am still a child of God but I still feel so lost in this mess that I have created because I didn't feel the love for my wife. I keep saying to myself that I could have pretended that everything was still alright and maybe, just maybe because love is a feeling, I could have felt it again. After a number of skirmishes across the ever widening gap, Carol has unilaterally moved my son to another school on the other side of the city and taken up a lease. She is now packing. I had no say in any of her decisions. Maybe the gap has become a big a gulf. If it has come to this I wanted to part as friends and have my son every second week. But this too is becoming bleaker.

Tonight we are going to a mutual friend for a dinner party. This may be our last supper together.

Running on Empty

I have surrounded myself with many friends yet I feel so alone. This has been a hard time for me. In the past I could reach out and hold God's hand but now I feel even He has left the room.

A friend sent me a letter this week in where she wrote:
"...I will always remember that you were the first one welcoming me with a big teddy bear hug when I first came to BBC. It meant a lot to me. Back then you struck me as fully trusting the Lord day in, day out and as the last person who would turn his back to our Lord..."

I am holding my hand out for Him to take me by the hand but it seems that I am all alone. I have felt so alone only twice in my life before. Alone, so alone. The first time was when hidden suppressed memories of atrocities committed against me as a child came flooding back when I heard that my brother was been searched by the police for questioning for the same type of crimes. Alone, so alone. And the last time was when I found out my spouse's plan to leave me for someone else. I found myself staring down a lift shaft all alone. The only thing that stopped me that night was the thought of letting my son down and him being raised by the other man.

Both times I eventually found solace in God's arms and my friends that surrounded me. Now I have reached empty but still find myself hurtling downwards out of control. As in the past, I've reached out for God's hand but this time it is not there. He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me so I know, yes I know that He is still here with me but now is the time that I need Him to take me by my outreaching hand.

Yet why do I still feel so alone?

I want to believe there is more to this...

I have lost my religion long ago and found God. We had an awesome relationship walking and talking. It felt real. But now I have seemed to have lost Him somewhere. Life has sort of taking a different turn on the path we were on. I have surrounded myself with friends yet feel so alone. I ask the question how my family situation can bring glory to God.