So close yet so far

This is part of an email I sent to one of my friends at BBC when he pressed ganged me into becoming a door welcomer. I feel that I should post it as I felt God physically standing next to me as I typed...

I know that God has naturally gifted me as a welcomer but I feel that God has some other mission field waiting for me. No I don't know what it is but I must earnestly seek Him and He will be found. I also feel that I supposed to be working in this field a long time ago and I let God down.

They say a tree which does not bare fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. I look at myself and cry when I don't see any fruit. God has never left me but I have left Him many times. God is in the center of the universe and I am in the centre of mine. My friends around me are asking questions like what are my gifts and what is my calling? I know deep down because God told me long time ago that I am special and that He has something special for me to do. (Excuse me I am crying and I don't know why I am tell you this). I suppose because God is standing right next to me as I write this and yet I am so far from Him. If this does not make sense to you, don't worry, it doesn't make sense to me either but God is smiling.

I will know the special mission what God wants me to do when it requires not my natural born talents (which God gave me at birth) but a super natural gift which will prove that it is not me but God.

I will help full the ranks of a welcomer when needed but please note this comes naturally to me so it is not my calling, it is not the special mission that God wants me for.

My armour is too shiny and the enemy can see it. I need to stand up, step forward for that special mission soon and get dirty. There I go crying again.... It won't be easy but one day I sit with Jesus under that tree and show Him my battle scars with proud. What a beautiful day that will be.

Private Jerome reporting